Cubes and Caffeine
by aIchememe
Summary: It was only a rubix cube. Who would have guessed that it could become such a catalyst of chaos in the office?


Ed fiddled with the cube, turning the multi-colored sides as he stuck his tongue out in concentration. He glanced up at the clock.

6:30 AM.

For once, he was early to turn in his report. Or rather, the Colonel was late. Since there was no one in the office yet and he had come alone, Ed had decided to try to figure out how to solve the so-called "rubix cube" that Falman had shown him the day before.

He turned the sides quickly, his eyes brightening when he saw a solution to the puzzle. He jumped up and let out a triumphant shout that sounded slightly like a battle cry. He pumped his fist in the air, failing to notice the presence right next to the door.

"What the hell are you doing, Fullmetal?" Roy pushed through the door, barely looking at Ed as he trudged over to his desk.

"I finally got it!" Ed stated proudly, grinning.

"Got what?" Ed shoved the rubix cube into his view, barely two inches away from Roy's face.

"This!" He waved it around a little, a grin still plastered to his face.

"Great." Roy pushed it away roughly. "Do you have your _report_?" Edward immediately introduced his superior's face with a slightly crinkled piece of paper. Roy peeled the paper off his face and held it with two fingers, as if holding it normally would give him cancer or some Other Horrible Disease™. He read it over quickly, frowning as he finished.

He sighed, setting the paper down on his desk and folding his hands.

"Fullmetal."

"Yeah?"

The Colonel took a deep breath before continuing. "This is the shittiest report you've turned in yet."

"Well, _I_ think it's great."

"Let me read it to you. Maybe you'll change your mind." Roy picked up the paper, skimming it over with a shake of his head. He began quoting the report, his voice an interpretation (mocking) of his favorite (most hated) subordinate.

"This was a purely _shitty_ assignment." He began in a high-pitched tone, waving one hand in the air wildly in an attempt to mirror Ed's reactions to something even _mildly_ unpleasant. "The food tasted like shit, the buildings looked like shit, the people were shit. When I first got there, I tried to explain to some people at an inn that I was from the military and was there on an assignment.

Keyword here: _tried_.

They all screamed at me and Al for about two hours straight before we left the place and slept on the streets. Al decided to see if he could get some food for me, and when he was gone I fell asleep. Then I woke up to Al screaming some colorful things at a couple of guys who had apparently stolen all our money. Then it started raining. Fucking _raining_ , Mustang. I ended up having to eat a soggy sandwich at three A.M. underneath some guy's porch so we wouldn't get wet. Then he screamed at us too.

Oh, and here's the good part: After we finished the - I'll say it again - _shitty assignment_ , we had to walk almost all the way back to East City because _all_ the fucking trains were derailing because it. Was. Fucking. _Raining_." Roy finished exaggeratedly, clearing his throat and setting the paper down on his desk.

At this point, Ed had made his way back to the couch with his rubix cube, resetting it and trying to solve it all over again.

"Ah," He hummed, flipping a row to the right, "the sweet sound of a well-written report."

Roy sighed and stood up, making his way over to the couch and observing the cube Ed was so invested in. Right, left, red, blue… Roy nodded along with every twist or turn that Ed made, trying to solve the puzzle in his head and correcting any mistakes that his subordinate made.

So, when Roy felt comfortable enough in his own cube-solving skills, he plucked the puzzle from Ed's hands and stalked back over to his desk.

"Hey!" Ed protested, "What the hell do you think you're doing?!"

"I wanted to try it. You were just making so many mistakes, I couldn't bear it." Roy replied sardonically, not looking up from the puzzle.

"You do realize I solved it before you did, bastard."

"I'll bet on my ignition-cloth gloves that it was wrong."

"You can't solve a fucking _puzzle_ in the wrong way."

"Sure you can, Fullmetal. You just need to be creative."

"Oh, I'm _very_ creative. Have you heard _any_ of the colorful profanities I say to your disgusting face every day?"

"I guess that's how you solved the puzzle wrong." He looked up at Ed, a smirk laced into his features. "You were just too creative."

Ed fumed at his seat on the couch.

"I still finished it first."

"So have countless others."

"That's not my point!"

"There's a point to this conversation? I'm sorry, I couldn't see it," Roy squinted his eyes and scanned the room before continuing, "I guess it was too _small to notice_."

And then all hell broke loose in Ed's mind.

Gears whirred and machines came to life, producing list upon list upon list of ways to make sure that the Colonel would die a slow and painful death. Lights flashed and ideas for pranks bounced around in his skull, begging - no, _praying_ \- to be put to use. Circuits pulsed and wires thrummed, delivering fresh, boiling, _burning_ anger to fuel all the newly-awakened machinery created to punish Mustang.

Ed sat frighteningly still during these processes, his silence causing Roy to look up, distracted from the rubix cube.

"Fullmetal?" Roy called, setting the cube on his desk.

No answer.

"Ed?" Roy called out once more.

No answer.

Roy stood up and cautiously went over to the couch, now genuinely worried. Ed's face was hidden beneath a curtain of bangs, his evilly gleeful grin invisible to all but the eye of his mind.

And just as Roy leaned down, putting a comforting hand on Ed's shoulder, Ed struck.

He lashed out with his automail arm, fingers curled into a fist. The punch sent Mustang sprawling to the ground, and Ed cackled maniacally at Roy's helplessness as the Colonel wiggled around on the floor. He put a foot on Mustang's chest as if to mark his victory, barely able to form words through his hysterical laughter.

"Finally !" He proclaimed, "I have won!"

"Like hell you have." Roy growled, grabbing Ed's foot and pulling him down onto the floor as well.

Roy smirked at Ed's astonished look. "I can be creative too, Fullmetal." And Roy would have laughed at the horrified look on Ed's face as he poised his fingers to snap if not for the unmanliness of such a feat. Roy could feel the heat building up between his fingers from the amount of pressure he was using to push them together. A small grin lit up his face as he snapped.

"Goodbye, _Fullmetal._ "

Roy waited for the flash of red and orange, the wave of heat, the sound of burning, the _something_ , _anything_ that would tell him that his transmutation worked. But it did not come.

And after a moment, Roy realized why.

In horrified realization, he slowly looked over to his hand.

His _gloveless, bare_ hand.

For a couple of moments, all he could do was stare. How could he have been _that_ stupid? But, soon, after he saw the way Ed uncurled from his little protective ball of fear, he began to laugh.

To laugh at the stupid feud between the two alchemists. To laugh at how stupid he had been to forget to put on his gloves. To laugh at how stupid they had _both_ been to have let this happen.

And Ed, albeit hesitantly, began to laugh too.

After five minutes, they were still laughing, joking back and forth about what they had done.

After another minute, they had both finally shut up.

After the last 30 minutes, they both lay on the floor as Hawkeye walked into the office.

After 31 minutes, Hawkeye had confirmed that the two alchemists were indeed alive before Mustang simply said, "I need caffeine." and Ed responded with, "Me too."

After 33 minutes, they were both walking out of the office towards the mess hall, on a mission to find some coffee.

And, finally, after 39 minutes, when they returned, they both made amends to _never_ , _ever_ , bring a rubix cube into the office again.

* * *

Honestly, I'm not sure if this would count as crack or not. I finished this at around 2 in the morning, and the ending turned out totally different from what I had originally planned. Hell, I don't even know if I _had_ an original plan. The characters aren't even in character. I don't think the plot makes sense either. _Is_ there even plot? Eh, whatever.

Please let me know what you think!


End file.
